Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
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[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house