The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
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Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
looks legit
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.