“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
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I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Ferrari squats
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.