Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
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I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer