Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
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If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Day 2 of my diet
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
congratulations to them
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.