SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
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My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.