4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
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behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
“you changed” bro i was 15
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread