I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
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me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.