Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
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manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos