[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
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Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.