Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
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just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
There is no “we” in chocolate.