GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
You Might Also Like
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Life with a cat in one tweet
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”