Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
How it started: How it’s going:
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.