They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
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[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
nature’s most graceful animal
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
My Plans 2020
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.