My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
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[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
dogs can find happiness so easily
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before