After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
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*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.