A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
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me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.