“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
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Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok