When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
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Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Wednesday
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.