Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
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ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts