911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
You Might Also Like
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Meow
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.