If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
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My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
some Old Testament wisdom
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded: