*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
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You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.