*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Gemma Correll
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.