If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects