GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
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The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
It’s the weekend y’all
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I’m good, thanks.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”