“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
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Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY