The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
You Might Also Like
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.