My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
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R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.