Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
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Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
just gave your address to some spiders
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*