Admin smashed it 😂
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Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Trying
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Well, my evening plans are ruined
incredible book dedication
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.