“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
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DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower