Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
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Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I have many caverns
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain