If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
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I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
OH. COME. ON.