Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
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who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
and now we wait
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”