A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
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Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.