Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
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* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
the council will decide your fate
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI