I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
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My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.