After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
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i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
This is amazing.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value