Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
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Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Anime is real
My biological clock is wheezing.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.