Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
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Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.