Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
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Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
live, laugh, laundry.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Ghost costume 😂
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
want me to check your oil?