If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
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My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Clients after you give them your rates
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.