Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
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Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
and now we wait
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.