You Might Also Like
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.