Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
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Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.