I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
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[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers