My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
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It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
shampoo implies shampee
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things