[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
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My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
No, I don’t think I will.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.