I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
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*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
oh shit
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?